downcast

Down today.

It’s freezing in my house (though I have godjirra to help with that). I’m still not officially dressed and it’s 3pm. I present my thesis TOMORROW, you guys. I’m not even as sick with worry as I could be, because part of me just can’t believe it. My speech needs to be 5 minutes longer, but I don’t want to go back and work on it anymore. 

He was one of my closest friends in my out-of-state city apartment.

He was one of my closest friends in my out-of-state city apartment.

I was productive; got the speech mostly done (save the time) this morning, and practiced guitar for awhile (and sounded pretty awesome!), and dusted the living room (we were living in piles of it. I sneezed four times in a row), and cleaned up the kitchen, and brought up some holiday decor. I was St. Nick for Banyan & Rogue last night and somehow managed to surprise them, which I always enjoy.

But we have no food in the house. I had a Chobani for breakfast at 8 and a hotdog for lunch at 2. Seriously, you guys. Epic fail. Despite my post in July, I still haven’t learned to cook or enjoy grocery shopping. I collect recipes on pinterest, but I can’t afford the ingredients or spare the time to try them. This semester has been SO BUSY.

I’m losing both of my jobs as well. The foundry doesn’t have it in the budget to keep an office temp on staff after December. My outdoor retailer is doing so poorly that 20 people aren’t on the schedule this week — I haven’t worked there in 2 or 3 weeks myself. They’re not letting anyone go yet until they see if we get some snow and business picks up, but I can safely assume that I won’t be working there until January or February, if I get to go back.

While I appreciate the respite from work while I wrap up my thesis and my other finals, and while I have student loans to cover rent, gas, food, etc . . . I was really counting on the paychecks to (1) cover the Christmas presents I’ve been happily getting people and (2) pay off my credit card and medical bills from my surgery in May. Sigh.

It’s one of these days today.

To add to that, I just read the Nerd Fitness blog post about Steve’s interview with Tim Ferriss, the author of The 4-Hour Workweek and The 4-Hour Body. He’s now written The 4-Hour Chef, not just about how to cook, but about how to learn.

I love learning, but I never pursue anything with any dedication. I’ve studied Latin, French, Italian, Spanish, and Chinese, but I only have a basic mastery of Chinese and some barely-remembered French to show for it. I really want to know how to tie knots, but I haven’t touched the book I got at Half Price. I’ve always wanted to learn how to sail, but another year’s gone by without me signing up for a class. I’ve been at the kung fu studio for 6 years and I can hardly say I know how to defend myself. (Part of that was living out of state, but shh, I’m being down.) Hell, I’d like to cook for myself instead of relying on take-out subs and salads, but even that seems so overwhelming that I can hardly feed myself when left to my own devices. (I have an eating problem: it’s called “too overwhelmed to bother.”)

So, it’s that kind of day today. Grey, and cold, and down. That’s alright. Maybe I’m getting it all out of the way so tomorrow night I can charge back into the kung fu studio and make that a priority again. So I can drink myself into a cheerful buzzed celebratory “stupor” with my love and my dear friend on Saturday night. So I can celebrate the HOLIDAYS and freedom from the mentally toughest semester of my college career (the first six were the emotionally toughest). Maybe I’m just saving up my exuberance for the weekend. For tomorrow at 1:15 when (fingers crossed) the faculty panel tells me I passed.

So. I’m down now. But I’ll be up soon.

Things I’m looking forward to:

  1. 1:15 tomorrow when, barring any catastrophes, I will have successfully completed my thesis presentation.
  2. Thursday afternoon next week, when I’ll be OFFICIALLY DONE WITH MY THESIS and with ALL OF MY FINALS!
  3. Mojitos. As someone who likes beer and some wine but tends to hate liquor, MOJITOS. Preferably pomegranate or cranberry.
  4. Imbibing unwise amounts of said delectable minty beverage at a friend’s house on Saturday night to celebrate my thesis!
  5. Not doing ANYTHING school-related this weekend.
  6. Getting back to kung fu!
  7. Getting back to crossfit!
  8. The holiday party with friends on the 15th with a full Thanksgiving dinner and Secret Santa!
  9. Buying said Secret Santa gifts!
  10. Wrapping presents!
  11. My dear friend/”sister”/otter coming home for a week from the other side of the country!
  12. SNOW! I am hoping to see some snow soon now that we’ve stopped having freak 60*F weather and are back in the 30s. Come on, Wisconsin!!
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4 thoughts on “downcast

  1. I’m going to put this thought here… and just make sure that you see it before tomorrow. I know that I’m not “up”/learned/read etc on the ways of the Chinese. I know that your inspiration stemmed from the line “It’s best to be like water”. Hopefully within the last 3 months of thesis research you have become intimately familiar with what these ideas mean. Now that you’ve written 28 pages, plus your speech for tomorrow, take some time to reflect on what the phrase means to you. Think about how it applies to your situation; and at risk of making a terrible pun here, when the time comes for you to defend it tomorrow, just “go with the flow” [do you see what i did there?] I know the phrase “It’s best to be like water” has been inspirational to you in many ways. Remember what it’s taught you. <3

  2. OK I finally got back to this one and it’s so nice to be responding after reading the newer one where it’s all done! And you got an A+++++++++++!!! Who knew they even gave out marks that great?? :) Now I can stand to look at these poor saaaaaad foxes here. I couldn’t before, they were breaking me heart. Where do you get these pictures????

    Grey and cold days happen, I know you know that. The other stuff will sort itself out. And I’m writing this too late anyways because about now you’re neck deep in Mojitos!!!! Enjoy!! YOu earned it!!!!

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